Estes to vote Trump's way—but only before happy hour

By SJ Otto

I went to a fund raiser for the Democratic Party of South Sedgwick County Saturday Night. It was there that I heard James Thompson, who ran as a Democrat for the 4th district for the US House of Representatives. It was that Republican slacker Ron Estes who beat Thompson.

I was enjoying the chili at this event and I paid a whole $6 over the admission price so I could help the local Democrats. But I was sitting next to Herb Herbenizer,[1] a local Democrat in the Kansas House of Representatives, who  then said:

"Oh Ron Estes!? Estes is a mid level Republican flunky and he is the Kansas State Treasurer, a job that should be eliminated since it isn't necessary."

I told Herb, "Well it seems he is a real slacker. He didn't seem to want to work to hard to get elected to that seat."
"Ol' Ron is always the first to get in line when there is any kind of free food, such as a free buffet or a lobbyist sponsored dinner of some kind," Herbenizer said. "Ron may oppose Democrats getting free stuff, but he gets his share of free stuff all the time. That includes both food and liquor."

Herbenizer also said that Ron was a fan of the two hour work week, at least for himself, provided he can find enough to do in those two hours.

Suddenly I realise I have hit on an area of Ron Estes I never understood. He isn't just a slacker, he is also a mooch and a drunk.

"Now Ron can't be accused of having his own agenda," Herbenizer said. "He has never had his own positions on anything. He is a follower. President Donald Trump is gonna love Ron. He won't have to worry about a Kansas Representative who has his own agenda and ideas. Ron will always vote as Trump wants. That's how he is. He is a follower and a yes man. He will vote as Trump expects him to."

"Sounds like Trump has really got a good thing going here,"  I said.

"Well he does...sort of...!"

"Uhm what do you mean by that?"

"Well Trump needs to get his vote before 4pm. That is REAL important. I hope Trump realizes that."

"Well what happens at 4pm?" I said.

"Happy hour! Ron shoots for the door. Here in Topeka, when 4pm comes along you gotta have his attention or he's runnin' out the door."

"To go where?"

"Here in Topeka Ron has about four of his favourite dive bars on call at all times. He shoots out the door for his favourite drink specials. Ron's done with politics by happy hour. Then it's off to get his favourite drink specials. You didn't think a slacker like Ron was going to work into the evening hours with so many bars serving up his favourite cocktails with all those cheap prises did you now?"

"I never thought of it. Does he come back to the legislature or is he done for the day?"

"Are you kidding? I've seen Ron put down three pitchers of budwiser in just one hour. The man can drink. He is usually sober enough to get back to his home, but return to the Kansas State House? You're joking, right?!"

"You mean he gets drunk every night?"

"You should see what he looks like in the morning. Eyes puffy red,...sweating bullets in the middle of winter...But I got to hand it to him. He does pretty good all the way up until afternoon when his hangover lets up. By 4pm he's back to his old self. He's just sober enough to run out to the bar and get loaded all over again."

So after all of this the readers may be asking—"is this true? I mean it sounds a little far fetched."

Well, during the special election Ron ran attack ads saying that Thompson supported late-term abortions, spending people's tax money for abortion and suggested abortion when a couple got the wrong sex they wanted. Where those ads believable? I say they were as believable as this article is. That says a lot.

"I'm done with voting today—It's happy hour—gotta go!"[2] 

Estes brings a certain dignity to the office.

Pix from Voice For Liberty, Shutterstock.

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[1] That's not his real name. I used a fake name because he works with Republicans and didn't want to insult them.

[2] Not a direct quote. This is satire.